I was saved about 3.5 months before my 33rd birthday. I did not choose Jesus; He chose me. When I awoke the morning after my repentance, I was overwhelmed by a truly supernatural peace of the Holy Spirit that had come to dwell within. I knew that what I had gone through was the most important experience of my life, so I immediately wrote down the following testimony:

I want to tell my testimony about how Jesus saved me. 

I had come to the end of my rope. And I believe that’s saying a lot given what I’ve been through. I’ve suffered with bipolar disorder, and I know what it’s like to be shot up with multiple injections at a time of antipsychotic meds to put me to sleep, restrained to a hospital bed, and confined to a seclusion room. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on medical treatment. I have lost many jobs. My life had been all but ruined. But I was ungrateful, and I didn’t realize it could get worse.

The worst came on the night of Wednesday, August 2, 2017. I had just returned back to my mom’s house from a trip from Phoenix. I had gone to Phoenix looking for work and thinking that I could relocate there, but I had a couple interviews that didn’t go well and put a really bad taste in my mouth. I began to see that a place wasn’t the answer to my problems. I had already known that I didn’t know how to live my life. I questioned how people have desires and preferences to guide them, and yet I felt so lost and powerless to find my own way. These feelings were in the background as I returned to a house that I rented from my mom in her backyard. Only I hadn’t paid rent in several months. I had no job. I had only enough possessions to fit inside my 2001 GMC Jimmy. I had just ran up another $8,000 in debt from a consolidation loan that I was supposed to use to pay off credit card debt. 

I got fired from my job for insubordination. I told one of the project managers (the owner’s son), “I’m not your secretary,” when he told me to hold a document for him. After I was fired, I told him, “You’re a 42-year-old bitch.” I was out of line. I didn’t care anymore. The past decade had worn me out so much that I had no more desire to continue doing the right thing all the time. That’s another realization that I had made. My whole life I had a very strong sense of right and wrong, but I didn’t do so to please God, I did so because I thought doing the right thing would save me. I thought I could save myself through my actions. I may have been very moral (by human standards), but I missed out on a lot of great experiences and great people basically because my pride (somewhere deep down inside) was telling me that I could behave better than other people. This seemed to be a subconscious programming that only would rise to the surface when Jesus saved me.

So on the night of the 2nd of August, 2017, my foundation had disappeared. My foundation. Everything I once stood on – my own decisions to know what the best direction for my life was, trusting other people to help me find my way – was gone from beneath me. I realized that I was completely alone in the world. There was nothing that anyone could do for me. There was nothing that I could do for myself. I desperately wanted God to come into my life and help me right my wrongs, too, because at the same time I was filled with a greater knowledge of how sinful I had been, and it brought me to crying my eyes out. I couldn’t believe that despite what I thought I knew as right and wrong, I had veered off on a path that was hurting people, it was hurting me, it was hurting God. Finally, these things were combined with my searching in the Bible. I began turning to the Bible for answers. I was led to a commentary about the story of Job and how Job had to learn that God doesn’t exist to serve us, but we exist to serve God. Sometimes we demand answers, but God is not obligated to give them to us. I also read a story about how Joseph rose to power in Egypt many years after his brothers sold him into slavery. The story reminded me of [my twin brother] and how our dad showed favoritism to him, and that has impacted the trajectory of our lives and our relationship as brothers. It also showed me that God has a long-term plan for us. Sometimes we have to wait a very long time to come to a new level of understanding in our lives. We have to go through a drought or a desert before we see how God has been leading us. Just like in the book of Exodus when the Israelites were in Egypt for 430 years before God led them out through the Red Sea under the leadership of Moses. Case in point, I was craving Biblical knowledge at the time that I was saved, and I think that is a very important point.

So I was frantic on Wednesday night. I was frantic like a person who is running from the law and can find no rest. I was brought all the way down to my knees. I was being prepared for a release and a peace to come over me. I didn’t know if I would be able to sleep, but in desperation, I curled up, and then I awoke Thursday morning. The feeling that I had when I awoke was unlike any other. A great burden had been lifted from me. My heart was lighter. My heart was softer. These were physical sensations, they were not just manners of speech. I felt a deep reassurance that everything was going to be okay, and I felt anchored in my being like I have not been probably ever.  This feeling was so powerful that I knew it was the atoning work of Jesus who washed my sins away and gave me a fresh start at a new life, a renewed spirit, and a renewed mind and heart. These things that I had scoffed at for so many years from Christians were so very real, so very palpable and transformative, that the Gospel suddenly made perfect sense. I had finally come to understand what Christ had paid for and that I was given a chance to be seen as blameless by God. It was something that I felt very deeply, yes, but also in a very, very personal way. When Jesus speaks to us, he tailors his communication to each of us so that we can see in our lives how he has been working, often for many years or our whole lives, to bring us to a point where He could save us. God turns our sin into something beautiful, and now I crave knowledge of God more than ever and am excited about my walk with Him.

Even now, Satan is casting seeds of doubt into me. That’s why I had to write this all down. Otherwise, if I waited, I might think, “What happened to me wasn’t a very big deal. Maybe I wasn’t saved.” But I know that I was saved. I have been given a new chance at life, and a new heart. My heart is so light and is no longer hardened by this world. I am at greater peace, that peace of God which transcends understanding. I have been given hope and a future, and I used to be in a place where I didn’t believe those things were possible nor deserved. I have truly been lifted higher. I didn’t do it, I didn’t deserve it, but I was given the greatest gift imaginable. Everlasting life and a personal relationship with Jesus. Amen.

Once a person knows that he or she has experienced salvation, no question exists about the truth any more. Jesus is the “way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Yes, billions in the world are being led astray; that’s why the Gospel needs to go out to the nations. While it’s a tough, tough reality to grasp, Jesus tells us (Matthew 7:13-14), “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the way that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

If you’re reading these words, and especially if you live in America, and you haven’t experienced the saving grace of God, you will have to undo a lot of cultural programming to see Jesus and the Gospel in a more accurate light. Blasphemous preachers have done immense damage to the Word of God. As I write this, I have been a Christian for about 8.5 years, and I am just now seeing that growing in the knowledge of Christ will be a lifelong journey. As I walk empowered by the Spirit, discovering and applying my gifts in the Spirit, I grow in my love for Christ. As that love grows, so does the depth and height of the scriptures. Theologians who have studied God’s Word much longer than I would even say that we will spend all eternity increasing in joy as we discover the infinite riches of God’s love.

The purpose of this site is to explore Christianity and hopefully answer some questions and doubts that you may have. It’s okay if you don’t “get it.” Don’t feel shame about that. I was there too! I bristled against every little Christian “custom” and struggled with things like, “Why is God a ‘He’?,” “Why do we even call him ‘God’ and not something like ‘Source’?,” “If God is so good, why does He allow so much suffering or create evil?,” and I could go on and on. I don’t have perfect answers, but I can take you through these ideas and show you how I have wrestled with them.

Everything you are and everything you have comes from God; He created you just as He created all Creation through Jesus. In fact, you will need to trust in God to begin with to give you the faith you need to, well, have faith. I know this sounds so very confusing and circular. But He did not leave us without the tools to do this! Get a Bible and read it! Read it with an open mind, and God can grow your faith through his Word. It’s really quite amazing.

A final point I want to make is that Christians are both open-minded and closed-minded. I consider myself open to sound teachings of the Word, which will endure forever. Over time, this open-mindedness has further and further separated me from the temporary ephemerality of the times we live in. I am “in the world, but not of the world.” I am a citizen of the Kingdom, and my single-minded goal is to advance the Kingdom here on earth, one soul at a time. It’s a race and a spiritual war against the forces of darkness in this world.

So I ask you, won’t you join me? You have a place in this war whether you’re aware of that or not. Either you’re, in my words, “a child of the night, or a child of the Light.” Come play your part! It’s not always easy; for me, it’s quite lonely, but Jesus is a constant companion, and He really does live in my heart through the Holy Spirit that I received after my dark(est) night of the soul in early August of 2017. If you haven’t been saved, you’re being invited into a joy you’ve never known, a relationship with the Creator of the universe Himself, and ultimate freedom. Christianity is not about putting a yoke around your neck — it’s about setting your soul free by the only means through which that can be accomplished.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Please stay up to date with my latest blogs. I love you for your intrinsic worth as a human, the highest order of God’s Creation that He endowed with several of his wonderful attributes.

To God be the glory,

Robert Epperson