Meaningful Male Bonding

I find that in our culture, deep male bonding is very difficult. Call me what you will, but sitting around watching sports on a screen doesn’t do it for me, maybe because I don’t see athletes as my role models or heroes. I think if all guys were honest, they’d admit that most of what passes as male bonding in America ultimately leaves them unfulfilled as we are set apart from machines and animals because we have these souls that need to express themselves. I do think that if guys enjoy working on cars, building things, or sharing any common creative hobby (we are made as creative beings), that’s a great way to sharpen and strengthen one another. (Kudos if meaningful conversations about life take place around those activities.) I certainly have fond memories of engaging in a plethora of activities with my twin brother (Lincoln Logs, erector sets, GI Joes, Nintendo games, bike-riding, Legos, too many to name), and the collaboration and healthy competition in doing those things sharpened our minds and relationship. 

Now that I’m at mid-life and I’ve put the toys away, I am more apt to see male peers who are struggling with the big questions in life, questions that can’t be answered by the trappings of boyhood. We’re on a quest for truth. Maybe we’ve always been on that quest, but at a certain age, the emotional baggage has accumulated to such a point that it crowds out what is true. Many of us continue holding onto the rituals that once worked, mostly as an escape from reality because reality can be too dark to confront. But real male bonding happens when we confront the darkness together and learn to appreciate one another for our vulnerabilities. After all, we “stand naked” before God. He knows what’s in us to a degree that we can’t see. Having confidence before God means that we can have confidence “standing naked” before others, and that’s where real growth happens. 

You don’t have to be scared of your emotions or think that you’re not allowed to express them because doing so would be “feminine.” The substance of the soul knows no gender. However, I do believe that men need to sharpen one another first before expecting that their girlfriends or wives are there for that purpose. The feminine originates from the masculine as Eve was created from Adam; therefore, in a healthy male-female relationship, it’s imperative that the man know himself deeply and feel secure in that so that, in turn, his lady can feel secure in herself. Moreover, a man should not overly rely on his girlfriend/wife to be a processor of his emotions. Men need to turn to other guys for input to consider judiciously, just be careful to guard your heart from bad influences. For example, when I’m at work, I like to take walks with one of my buddies so that we can just talk about the real stuff of life, but I am careful not to let his perspective negatively impact me. As I’ve tried to disciple my friend, I’ve seen his behavior change in a real way, perhaps because all he needed was another guy to try to understand him.

As time passes, all of us, men and women, tend to put on protective masks. Those masks keep others from seeing who we really are. The masks can best be removed by being completely honest with ourselves and others. We don’t have to be afraid of being rejected or misunderstood because our ultimate concern should be being right with God. Sometimes, that means taking responsibility for how we’ve hurt others and confessing that to the ones who need to hear it, no matter how we think that confession will be received. (I certainly have some things that I’m not ready to confess quite yet, but I can only imagine that I will feel greater peace when I do.) Being real with people is like establishing little roots that will grow you into a different person. I see so many people who already are dead in this life, and doing the inner work necessary to continue our quests for truth and know ourselves and others more intimately has to happen on this side of the grave if we want to truly live in the peace and beauty that our earthly lives can offer us. Know yourself, remove the masks, and find something true to stand on. Although your thoughts and feelings may run wild at times, our God offers a floor to stand on, and although you may try to build a ladder out of this world or a stairway to heaven, God offers rest for your soul in this life and beyond should you accept the invitation.  

Photo Credit: https://www.istockphoto.com/illustrations/broken-tv