I’m a bad Christian. I don’t usually feel like going to church, I haven’t prayed in a while, and I’m tired of feeling like I have to be a nice guy. I want to be a dangerous guy, and I believe I can be dangerous without having to sacrifice my faith. I’m starting to rethink what it means to be a Christian. I don’t believe God calls Christians to always be meek and mild and lose our identities for the sake of conforming to what other believers have decided is good and acceptable behavior. Quite honestly, I don’t even like being among a gathering of so-called Christians because I feel like I’m supposed to act a certain way.
I’m not saying that I have to be outright immoral or violate the law, whether that be the law of God or the law of man. But I must not lose what makes me a unique individual and helps me feel like I am truly living. I have dreams, preferences, and desires. I have a personality. God gave me those things for a reason, and if I were to suppress them, I would no longer be able to affect the change in the world He wants to make through me. In other words, I don’t have to overly adhere to some rigidly controlled morality as though doing so is the only way that I will be a vessel for God.
It’s widely known that Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. But we’re not Jesus. Yes, we can become more like him, but if turning the other cheek means that our personal boundaries will be violated, then we aren’t ready to do so. A time in life may come when turning the other check won’t violate a boundary, but we must mature to that point over time. So be honest and don’t pretend to be something you’re not ready to be. Christians are being sanctified. It’s a lifelong process of growth, and we should not put on an act like we’re further along in the process of sanctification than we truly are.
While it’s a perfectly noble and honorable thing to care about others and be self-sacrificing, I’m burned out on trying to constantly maintain that mindset. Hell, it took recently going on my first real vacation for the first time in 3.5 years for me to realize that it’s okay and healthy to act out of self-interest and do things that I want to do. I’m so sick of waiting and waiting and waiting to see God move in the life of my family members, or feeling bad if I don’t read my Bible every day, or not speaking up when I have something important to say for the sake of not rocking the boat. Life is not made to be on autopilot, and I doubt anyone was ever influenced toward Christ by some sort of Christian zombie.
Sometimes life can call us to course-correct without shaking the foundation of who we are and everything we know. I’m the type of person who has historically swung wildly between the extremes of chasing complete freedom versus feeling imprisoned to this world, and I suppose I’m finding out how to balance the two using how God has created me instead of blaming purely external factors such as a job or a city of residence. I’m growing into a freedom that works for me, and it is for freedom that Christ set me free. None of this is a repudiation of my faith or what I know to be true about God.
I believe this change in me is probably a natural example of evolution in the life of a believer as he or she wrestles with the nature of God and who He calls us to be. I posted this so you can so that Christians are a work in progress. We can struggle with our faith without questioning it, but the struggle, or mine at least, is all about how God is growing me more into who He wants me to be. I don’t have it all figured out and never will, and even just acknowledging that releases a burden and causes me to want to trust God’s plan more. In the grand scheme of things, we’re all pretty weak and lost creatures who don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, so I ask you to put your faith in the God who does know.
Photo Credit: https://nerdist.com/article/transformers-one-animated-movie-review/